両親・Parents

両親と一緒・Together with my parents

今日、アメリカから、日本に帰る。今、空港か、飛行機にいる。この日記でこの２週間のことについて少し書いてみたい。

二週間前、ワシントン州に家族に会いに行った。１年間半ぶり両親に会った。家は少し変わったけど、両親は全然変わっていない。相変わらず、母はチョコレートが入っているお菓子を作るのが好き。相変わらず、父は議論するのが好き。新しい子犬を飼っているけど、その以外、何も変わっていない。

僕にとって、家族と時間を過ごすのは一番大切だった。この２週間を考えたら、両親とたっぷり時間を過ごしたことで満足した。

両親は僕が大切していることを僕によく伝えてくれた。僕が一番食べたいものを母に聞かれたら、僕は「ピザ」と答えたので、毎日のように、ピザを食べさせてくれた。

最後のピザ・My last pizza

それに、ある日、嵐があったので、母は父のパソコンをコンセントから外した。父は帰った後、コンセントにつけたかったので、重い家具を移動して、狭いところにひざまずかないといけなかった。それで、僕は少し手伝った。その後、父は僕とハッグして、「大好きだよ。マイカがあと数日後、日本に帰ることを考えたら、泣きそうだったんだ」と言ってくれた。

そして、別の日、本とか、靴とか、僕がアメリカに残ったものを整理して、何を日本に持っていくか、何を捨てるか決めた。母と一緒に箱の内容を見た後、家に入って、僕はパソコンを使い始めた。それで、母は僕に寄るり、目に涙を浮かべ、僕とハッグして、「マイカは嬉しいから、私も嬉しいけど、すごく寂しいよ」とつらく言った。

それらの言葉を考えたら、僕は本当に頑張らないといけないと思う。今のALTの仕事とか、日本語の勉強とか、撮影の練習とかを頑張らないとダメだ。父と会話していた時、僕はあまり旅行したりしないと言った。父はそれを聞いたら、少し考えて、「日本にいる限り、毎日を充実にして」と言ってくれた。僕は倹約者だから、旅行にあまり興味がないと思ったけど、今、お金の問題がないので、少し「贅沢」のことをしてもいいんじゃないかと思ってきた。旅行して、写真とビデオを撮ったら、その旅行はただの遊びだけではなく、将来の仕事に影響を与える可能性があるだろう。今の機会を逃さないように、自分に投資したほうがいいと思う。

外国に住んでいるけど、今のマイカはまだリスックを取っていない。お金を貯めるしかしないことは安全に感じるけど、実は逆だろう。進まないままじゃないか。それは全然安全じゃないだろう。

２週間だけで、両親は大切なことを教えてくれることができた。

＊＊＊

Today, I am leaving the US and going back to Japan. Right now, I am in either in an airport or in an airplane. I want to write a little bit about the last 2 weeks.

Two weeks ago, I went to Washington to see my family. It had been one and a half years since I’d seen my parents. The house was a little different, but my parents were still the same. As usual, my mom enjoys making sweets with chocolate in them. And as usual, my dad likes to argue. They have a new puppy, but otherwise, nothing has changed.

For me, spending time with my family was most important. When I think about the past two weeks, I’m satisfied with all the time I spent with my parents.

My parents showed me that they care about me a lot. When my mom asked me what I wanted to eat the most, I told her, “Pizza,” so she fed me pizza practically every day.

On top of that, one day, there was a storm, so my mom unplugged my dad’s computer. After my dad got home, he wanted to plug his computer back in, so he had to move a heavy piece of furniture and kneel down in a narrow place to do so. So, I helped him a bit with it. Afterward, my dad hugged me and said, “I love you, Micah. I almost cried when I thought that you will going back to Japan in a few days.”

Then, on another day, I organized the stuff I had left behind in the US, like books, shoes, etc. and then decided what I’d take with me and what I would throw away. After I looked in some boxes with my mom, I went back inside the house and started using my computer. Then my mom came up to me, with tears in her eyes, hugged me, and said, “I’m glad you’re happy, but I miss you so much.”

When I think about what they said, I realized that I need to really work hard. I need to work hard at my ALT job, studying Japanese, on my photography, etc. While talking to my dad, I told him I wasn’t really interested in traveling. When my dad heard that, he thought a bit and then said, “While you’re in Japan, you should make the most of every day there. I thought that because I’m frugal, I’m not interested in traveling, but now, since I don’t have any money problems, I came to think that maybe I could splurge a bit. If I travel and take pictures and videos, the trip might not only be for fun, but it may also have an influence on my future career. I think I should invest in myself without letting my current opportunities pass me by.

I’m living in a foreign country, but I’m still not taking any risks. It might feel safe to continue only saying my money, but it’s actually the opposite. I’m not moving forward, which is very unsafe.

In only two weeks, my parents were able to teach me something very important.

僕とお金の関係、その3 ・ My Relationship with Money, part 3

同僚か友達はお願いをして、「ああ、助けるけれど、お金が必要だ」と答えたことがある？例えば、自分は車に詳しいので、同僚に「私の車は少し変な音 を出している。直してくれないか？」と聞かれたことがある？自分はパソコンに詳しいので、「パソコンは重くなった。直してくれないか？」というようなお願 いをされたことがある？そういう場合、何した？「ああ、直すけど、お金は・・・」と言った？僕はお金を求めたことがない。すぐに「はい」と言って、お金を 考えずに、友達や知り合いを助けた。そうしなかったら、僕はどんな人だったのか？お金をもらわなかったら、助けないなんて、考えたことがない。そうする と、お金は僕と他人の間に壁を建つだろう。僕は人間性を失うだろう。

ということを思ったけど、他の考え方もある。お 金を求めても、同僚か知り合いに「お金がないよ。無料でやってくれよ」と言われたら、どう思う？逆に、その人は自分の人間性を認めてないでしょう？失礼で しょう？確かに、お金は壁だけど、自分の時間や努力を尊敬しない人から守る壁だ。みんなは生きるために、お金が必要でしょう？

ん、まあ、それはそうだけど、最近まで、僕は自分を尊敬しなかったから、他人に活かされやすかった。自分より、他人のほうを評価した。

そ れに、「お金が要らない」と思った。いや、違う。お金がない状態に慣れたので、することをお金がなくてもできることに限っていた。いや、それも違う。でき ることは限られたことではなく、やりたいことを限った。つまり、期待を限った。何か欲しくないようにしたら、その何かを手に入れられなくても、悲しくない でしょう。出かけることではなく、家にいて、ゲームをした。もちろん、やりたいゲームがあったけど、お金がなかったから、買えなかった。だから、無料の ゲームのほうをやった。お金がなかったから、友達や彼女もあまりできなかった。友達と彼女は外で遊びたいだろうと思ったし。欲しいものを手に入れられな かったので、欲しいものって限った。

変でしょう？仕事をして、お金をもらわなくて、自分のやりたいことや欲しいものを限るなんて、すごく変。ある時期に、自分のやりたいことや欲しいものを限る必要だったので、そんなことに慣れて、欲しいものを追いかけるのは下手になった。

僕 と同じ人がいると思う。ビールバーという好きなコメディアンはポッドキャストをする。そのポッドキャストでいろいろことについて話す。アドバイスもする。 ある男の人はビールバーに女性のアドバイスをしてほしかった。彼はバスに乗って、かわいい女性の隣に座って、いい会話ができた。それで、彼女にしたかった けど、電話番号を聞かなかった。「求めて、『あんな男』になりたくなかったし」と言った。

「あんな男」って、すごく曖昧な表現だ。ビールは「どんな男？恋愛ができる男か？セックスができる男か？」って答えた。つまり、質問した男の人はそ の女性に失礼なことをしたりしたくなかった。「かわいいな。彼女の隣に座って、電話番語をもらう」というナンパをしている男の人のように行動したくなかっ た。

その男の人の質問を答えたに加えて、ビールは興味深いことを言った。

「『あ の男』になれ！」って。「欲しいものを求める男になれ。丁寧に振る舞うけど、あんな男になれ・・・そのくそ思いを頭からぶっ飛ばせ。丁寧に振る舞いすぎ て、波風を立てることを恐れすぎるから、欲しいものを手に入れないことがあるぞ。他人はあんたの夢が叶うかどうか、興味がない。いいか？」と言った。

その言葉は僕の感情にうまく訴えた。僕にとって、求めるのが難しい。みんなと仲良くなりたくて、他人に負担になりたくない子供のようだ。人間として自分のことを評価していないわけ。

だ から、前にボランティアしていた時、「お金をもらえるわけないけど、経験を積める」と思って、波風が立てなくて何も求めないでボランティアした。経験だけ で十分だと思った。しかし、そんな考え方はよくないな。経験で請求書を支払えない。経験で食べ物を買えない。経験だけで十分なんて、全然違う。

両 親と一緒に住んだら、そんなことを考えたことがあるけど、日本に来て、毎日現金で食べ物を買ったり、請求書を支払ったりしたまで、お金の存在と大切さを感 じなかった。先生にバイトの機会が与えられたまで、僕のお金に関しての歴史をよく考えたことがなかった。友達と話したまで、交渉する自信がなかった。「あ んな男になれ」と聞いたまで、「欲しいものを求める」男になることを考えたことがなかった。

自立したかったら、お金が必要。別にお金自体に興味がないけど、お金だけで手に入れる欲しいものがある。欲しいものを手に入れるために、これから、自分の欲しいものを求める人になる。

ところで、ちょっと自信がついて、先生にお金について聞いてみた。2倍の給料を求めた。笑　先生は「それは難しいです」と言ったけど、聞くだけでよかったと思う。お金とまだぎすぎすした関係があるけど、これから、仲良くになると思う。笑

＊＊＊

Have you ever been asked a favor by a friend or co-worker, and responded by telling them you would help them, but that it would cost them some money? For example, maybe since you're handy with cars, you've been asked to help them fix their car. Or maybe since you're good with computers, you've been asked to help with someone's computer. In that case, what did you do?  Did you say you'd help if they paid you? I've never asked for money. I always just say, "Sure!" right away without even thinking about money and helped friends or acquaintances. If I didn't do that, what kind of person would I be? I've never considered not helping someone if I'm wasn't getting paid. If I did that, money would put up a wall between me and others. I'd lose my humanity.

Or so I had thought, but there is another way of thinking about it. If you asked for money, but your coworker or acquaintance said, "I don't have any money. Can't you just do it for free?", what would you think? Conversely, you'd think that that person wasn't acknowledging your humanity, right? It's rude. For sure, money is a wall, but it's a wall that protects you from people from people that don't respect your time or effort. Everybody needs money to live.

Well, that's true, but until recently, I didn't really respect myself, so it was easy for others to take advantage of me. I felt other people were more important than me.

On top of that, I thought that I didn't really need money. Well, not quite. I was used to not having any money, so I limited the things I did to those things that I could do without money. Actually, that's not true either. It wasn't that I was limited, but rather I limited what I wanted to do. In other words, I limited my expectations. If you avoid wanting something, then when you can't have it, you won't be sad, right? Rather than going out, I stayed at home and played games. Of course, there were games I wanted to play, but since I didn't have any money, I couldn't buy them. That's why I played free games. I didn't have any money, so I couldn't really make any friends or have a girlfriend. I thought that they'd want to go have fun out somewhere. Since I couldn't have what I wanted, I simply limited what I wanted.

That's weird, right? Limiting the things that I want and the things I want to do, rather than working and making money is really weird. During a certain period of time, I had to limit the things I wanted to get or do, so I got used to and actually became rather bad at chasing after the things that I want.

I think there are other people like me. A comedian I like named Bill Burr has a podcast. On that podcast he talks about various stuff. He also gives advice. One guy asked Bill Burr for some girl advice. He got on a bus, sat down next to a pretty lady, and had a nice chat with her. He thought that he'd like to go out with her, but he didn't ask her for her phone number. He said he didn't want to ask for it and be "that guy".

"That guy" is a very vague expression. Bill responds by saying, "What guy? The guy that falls in love? The guy that gets laid?" In other words, the guy that asked the question didn't want to be rude to the lady. He didn't want to be the guy that targets a pretty lady and decides to sit next to her to get her number.

In addition to answering the guy's question, Bill said something interesting.

"Be 'that guy'!"

"Be the guy that asks for what he wants. Be respectful of other people, but you gotta be the guy.... You gotta beat that fucking thought outta your head. You can be so respectful and so like, not wanting to rock the boat that you never even fuckin', you know, get what you want in life. Because life doesn't give a shit whether your dreams come true or not. Okay?"

What he said really struck a cord with me. For me, asking for what I want is hard. I'm like a kid that wants everybody to like him and doesn't want to be a burden on anybody. I don't value myself as a person.

So, when I was doing the volunteer work before, I thought that there was no way I'd be able to get any money, but I'd be able to gain some experience, so without rocking the boat or asking for any money, I just did the volunteer work. I thought that just getting experience was good enough. But, that isn't a good way of thinking. You can't pay bills with experience. You can't buy food with experience. It's completely wrong to think that experience is enough.

While living with my parents, I'd thought of stuff like that before, but until I came to Japan and started buying food and paying bills with cash, I hadn't really felt to existence and importance of money. Until my teacher gave me an opportunity to do a part-time job, I hadn't thought much about my history with money. Until talking to my friend, I didn't have the confidence to negotiate my salary. Until I heard Bill Burr say, "Be that guy!", I hadn't ever thought about becoming a guy that asks for what he wants.

If I want to become independent, I need money. I'm not really interested in money itself, but there are things that I want that I can only get with money. In order to get those things, I'm going to become a person that asks for what they want.

By the way, I got confident in myself and asked my teacher about the money. I requested double the money. lol The teacher said, "That would be difficult...", but it's good that I at least asked, I think. I still have a bit of an awkward relationship with money, but in time, I'm sure we'll become good friends. (^_^)

僕とお金の関係、その2 ・ My Relationship with Money, part 2

先生に「バイトしたいですか？」と聞かれたことは、いろいろな仕事やお金に関して記憶を思い起こした。数年前、テキサス州に住んでいた時、僕は父の勤めていた会社で働いた。なんかインターンシップのような仕事だった。あまりいい給料をもらわなかったけど、お金をできるだけ貯めて、そのお金で大学に行きたいと思った。しかし、いろいろあって、他の人にほとんどの給料をあげたので、結局、お金をあまり貯められなかくて、大学に行けないようになった。その時の気持ちをよく覚えていないけど、お金を他の人にあげることがいらいらのことだった。でも、大切な人を助けるためだったので、しょうがないと思った。

インターンシップは終わって、仕事がなくなった。その前の時とその後の2，3年間、NEETだった。仕事を探す気が全然なかった。でも、また父のおかげで、偶然に父の会社に入った。その仕事は最初に難しくて、ストレスが多かったけど、よく頑張って、何とかなった。同僚は面白くて、友達みたいだったし、あまり仕事をしていた感じがなかった。その仕事でお金をいっぱい貯めた。

1年半後、父は首になって、遠い場所に新しい仕事を見つけた。以前にもその話について書いたしたことがあるが、自立になるか、家族に連れていくか、決めないといけなかった。家族に連れていくことにした後、あと一週間仕事を続けた。その一週間に、同僚は面白いことを言った。「男になれ！」と数回言った。つまり、自立になれ！って。でも、僕はあまり男らしくなりたくなかったので、そんなことを言われても、全然効かなかった。

数年後、大学に入った後、英語の先生になるために英語の授業でボランティアをした。よく頑張って、いろいろな経験ができた。その経験について日本語の先生と話したこともした。次の学期にもボランティアをするよと先生に言ったとき、「お金をもらいなさい！」と先生に言われた。先生はそんなに僕と親しくなかったので、先生の言うことは変だった。それに、僕はいい経験ができているから、お金は要らないと思った。経験だけで十分だって。

＊＊＊

When my teacher asked if I wanted to do the part time English teaching job, it brought up memories I have related to money. When I was living in Texas, I worked at the company my dad was employed at. It was like an internship. It didn't pay much, but I wanted to save up as much money as I could and go to college. However, some things came up and in the end I gave most of my money to others, thus I wasn't able to save up much money or go to college. I don't remember how I felt at that time very well, but it was irritating to give my money to other people. But, I was giving it in order to help someone important, so I didn't think I had much of a choice.

After the internship ended, I didn't have any job. Before that job, and for 2 or 3 years afterward, I was a NEET (a Japanese term for someone that is Not Employed, getting an Education, or Trying to do so). I didn't really feel like finding a job. But, by coincidence and with my dad's help, I was able to get a job where he worked again. That job was tough and stressful at first, but I worked hard and got through it. My coworkers were funny and were like my friends, so I didn't really feel like I was working. With that job, I was able to save a lot of money.

About a year and a half later, my dad lost his job and found another one far away from where we lived. I've previously written about this before, but I had to decide whether to move out and become independent, or to follow my family. After I decided to follow my family, I continued working for another week. During that week, one of my coworkers said something interesting. He kept saying, "Time to man up!" In other words, he was telling me to move out on my own. But, I wasn't really interesting in being manly, so even if I was told that, it didn't really affect me.

Several years later, after I had gotten into college, I did volunteer work in an English classroom in order to become an English teacher myself. I worked hard and got lots of experience through that work. I talked about my experiences with my Japanese teacher as well. When I told her that I was going to continue volunteering during the next quarter, she said, "You need to get paid!" I wasn't really close with the teacher, so it was a little weird for her to say that. Not only that, but I didn't think I needed any money because I was gaining some experience. Just getting that experience was enough, I thought.

僕とお金の関係、その１ ・ My Relationship with Money, part 1

この変な河童の頭の上にお金がある　・　There is some money on this strange kappa's head

日本に来て一人暮らしを始めた時から、お金の存在と必要をかなり意識している。日本ではカードではなくて、現金を使うのは普段だから、他の人にお金を渡して、財布はだんだん空っぽになることを何回見ていたか分からない。アメリカでは、カードを使って、現金がなくなることを見ないので、お金の存在はあまり考えなかった。

先週、ゼミの先生は前のボランティアのお金を渡して、「バイトをすることに興味がありますか？」と聞いた。（ゼミの先生は2か月前のボランティアの機会を作った。）　また英語を教える機会を作りたがっているみたい。今回、大人に英語を教えるバイトだ。先生はそのバイトを紹介して、「どうですか？やりたいですか？」と聞いたら、僕は「考えておいてもいいですか？」と答えた。前のボランティアは思ったより難しくて、問題があったから、すぐ「はい」と言わないようにした。

その時から、バイトをするかどうか考えていた。先生に詳しいことを聞いて、給料について話したら、最初にそんなにワクワクしていなかったけど、「まあ、お金じゃなくて、経験を貯めるためなバイトになるだろうな」と思った。友達に給料を言ったら、「安い！すごく安い」と友達は言った。「そうかもな」と僕は答えた。「でも、安いから、責任はあまりないないだろうな。生徒や先生はなんかすごいことを期待していないので、あまりプレッシャーがなくて、安心できるでしょう」と言った。

しかし、そんな考え方はよくない。お金をあまり心配しないで、責任を避けることだけだ。将来に、そんなことをするなんてダメだ。「でも、いい給料にできなかったらどうするんだろう？」と思ったら、バイトをしないか、するか、少し迷っていた。先生は経験を貯める機会を作っているから、バイトをしなかったら、もったいないでしょう。自分は仕事をしたくないだけじゃないか？いい機会を作っているから、それだけで先生に感謝して、給料はよくなくても、バイトをしたほうがいいんじゃないか？

とか思っていた。

＊＊＊

Since coming to Japan and living alone, I've become more aware of the existence and need for money. In Japan, it's normal to use cash rather than cards, so I'm not sure how many times I've given money to some other people and slowly seen the cash in my wallet disappear. In the US, since I use cards and don't see the cash in my wallet disappear, I didn't really think to much about the existence of money.

Last week, my seminar teacher gave me the money I earned doing the volunteer work from before and then asked if I was interested in getting a job right now. (He is the same teacher that created the volunteer opportunity for me before.) He seems to want to create an opportunity for me to work teaching English again, but this time I'd be teaching to adults. After he introduced the idea to me and then asked if I'd like to give it a shot, I asked him to give me a chance to think about it. Since the past volunteer work was harder than I expected and I had some problems with it, I decided it was best to not agree to do this new job right away.

After that, I've been thinking about whether I should take the job or not. I asked the teacher for some details, and when money came up, I wasn't really excited at first, but I thought, "Well, even if I can't get much money, I can get some experience." When I told a friend of mine about the wage I'd be making, she said, "That is low! Really low!" I thought so, too. "But, since the wage is so low, I won't have many responsibilities. The students and my teacher won't be expecting much from me, so I can relax without feeling much pressure," I said.

But, that's not a good way of thinking. All I'm doing is avoiding responsibility and not worrying about money. In the future, I won't be able to do that. But, if I can't get a better salary, what should I do? I didn't really know what to do. Since my teacher is giving me an opportunity to get some experience, it would be a waste if I didn't take the opportunity, right? I just don't want to get a job, do I? Since he is making such a nice opportunity for me, I should be grateful to the teacher and do the job, even if the money isn't so great, shouldn't I?

At least, that's the kind of stuff I've been thinking.