2013年7月10日水曜日

不安を感じるのは嫌だ・I don't like feeling insecure

僕はよく不安を感じる人。だから、他人に焼きもちを焼いたり、友達とかを独占したりする。本当に子供らしいけど、仕方がない。独占の気持ちをし始めたら、「馬鹿か、僕は。彼らのただ一人の友だちじゃないんだよ」と思って、自分を落ち着かせる。そんな気持ちは不健康だから、感じたくないな。

なぜ僕はよく不安を感じるのだろうと思えば、色々な原因を思い浮かぶ。子供の頃でさえ、友達を独占した。その時から今まで、まだこの悪い性格を消していないね。つまり、まだ成長していない。でも、なんでまだ成長していないのだろう?何度も自分の気持ちを気づいて、自分を行動できるにかかわらず、感じる時はまだある。

または過去の経験。何回も、引っ越して、新しい友だちができた後、また引っ越して、友達を失ったから、本当に親しい友達があまりいなかった。つまり、僕のことを大切した人がいなかった(家族の以外ね)。その親しさを憧れているというわけで、他の人は僕の友達と一緒に時間を過ごしたら、僕はうらやましくなって、独占になってしまう。

不安を感じることは友達に関連づけることだけではない。前の2日間、僕が英語を教えている学生はレッスンをこなかった。どうして来ないんだ?僕のレッスンが好きじゃないのか?僕が嫌いなのか?という不安を感じた。僕は確かに、まだ「先生」と呼ばれるわけないけど、彼は一週間だけで僕のレッスンを止めるなんて、僕がダメ先生だという不安を感じさせた。

僕は彼にメールを書こうと思ったら、「僕のレッスンが好きじゃないですか?どのように変わりたいですか?」と書きたかったけど、それはダメだと思った。僕のような不安な人は不安な感じを表したら、他人に嫌な感じがさせてしまうんだから。誰はそんなネガティブの人といたいのか?不安な人は何度も不安を表す傾向で他人をイライラさせたりして、結局友達でも、その不安な人から離れるんだ。「自己達成的予言」ということだね。大切な人に離れられたくない不安を感じるから、ネガティブのことをして、離れさせることになってしまうんだ。

今日、学生からメールを送ってもらった。彼はお母さんと香港に行ったからレッスンに来なかったと言った (-_-) 「オレに連絡せよ、コラァ!」と言いたいけど、先生らしくないな (;^_^)

もっと経験が要るね。英語を教える経験も、人間関係の経験も要るんだ。不安を感じたくないな。

***

I'm an insecure person. Because of that, I get jealous of others and am possessive of my friends. It's really childish of me, but I can't help it. Whenever I begin to feel possessive, I calm down and say to myself, "Micah, you idiot. You're not their only friend!" Feeling possessive of others is unhealthy, so I hate when I feel it.

Whenever I think of why I'm insecure, a few reasons come to mind. Even as a kid I was possessive of my friends. After all this time, I still haven't managed to get rid this bad personality trait. I still haven't grown up yet. But why haven't I? Even in spite of all the times I've noticed my feelings crop up and have controlled them, I still feel them.

Another reason is past experiences. When I was a kid, I moved around a lot a lost a lot of friends, so I never really had any close friends. In other words, there wasn't anybody (well, besides my family) who really cared for me. I guess since I have wanted that sort of closeness, when other people spend time with my friends, I feel jealous and possessive.

My feelings of insecurity don't only have to do with friends. For the past two days, the student I've been teaching English to hasn't showed up for my lesson. I wondered why he didn't come, if maybe he didn't like my lessons, or didn't like me. Sure, I'm still not what you could call a "teacher", but having him quit after only a week would make me concerned that I wouldn't be a good teacher.

When I thought about sending him an email, I wanted to write, "Do you not like my lessons? What would you like to have changed?", but then I realized that it was a stupid idea. Insecure people like me are a bummer. We have a tendency to show our insecurity, which makes others uncomfortable. Who wants to be around such a negative person? We make others feel uncomfortable, and then finally even our friends want to get away from us. It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy. We worry about being abandoned by our friends, and so we do things that cause them to abandon us.

Today, I got an email from the student. He said that he went to Hong Kong with his family, so that's why he hadn't come (-_-) I wanna say something like ,"Then how about you let me know!", but that wouldn't be something a teacher should say (;^_^)

I need more experience. I need experience with relationships and with teaching English. I don't want to feel insecure anymore.
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